Preface: Yes, I have a therapist.
I place in Silver and Gold regularly. The matches I win are because two other people are clearly on their way to climbing. I average about 130 damage a match when I am with those kinds of players, and less when I am not.
I have been solo queued for the last six hours. Of those matches, I placed top three once, and have otherwise (at best) placed 16th. Usually I place 19th or 20th. Of those matches, I have asked people several times to report me so I can be banned from this game, as I understand very well how much of a detriment I am to my team, and to the experience of the game as a whole.
For this season, I have averaged 318 damage. The highest I have done is 1,632 (somehow). My KDR is .7 I have played 437 games and have been carried to 23 total wins.
I'll be completely transparent:
I wish I could derank from gold, to silver, to bronze.
But the fact of the matter is, I can't. The system doesn't allow for that.I am consistently among people who are far better than me, and it shows. I've placed 130 hours in Kovaaks, 82 hours in Aimlabs, and on Steam I have 250 hours in Apex and 430 hours on Origin.
But despite all of this, I continue to be absolute trash.
So what is the point of playing this game? What is the point of playing any game if you're not going to win? What, to have fun? I don't have fun in Apex. I come in here because I get served losses on a cold platter because that's what I know I deserve. I don't deserve wins, or badges. I deserve to be cannon fodder for other people to feel better about themselves in Apex. I am what gives other people endorphins. I am that which gives something which I will never have: a good time in Apex.
And, yet I come back. I think to myself, "Somehow, with all of that time I've invested in trying to get better at this game, I'll start making improvements. I'll start learning how to do it right." But I never do. I go purchase a better setup so I can look at replays of my failures, of which there have been many. My tactical placement of self on the battlefield leaves much to be desired because I become too focused on trying to just land some damage before I get absolutely beamed by other players who are far better than me. My purpose is to carry loot for either my teammates or my enemies to pick from like some thread shop in the desert because I almost never put my items to use.
So I get frustrated. I tell myself how stupid I am for my efforts, how droll my attempts to aim are, and how easy I always make it for other players. I am an NPC in a 60 player game that is there for other people to drill down with whatever weapon they have in their arsenal, because I guarantee that I won't be able to. And then if my team loses, it's easy to blame me. I tell them to report me-- to help make sure that I never make it back. I don't deserve to make it back into Apex, unless the game truly understands via the MMR system that I am there to be the fodder for other people.
Wins? Maybe once this week, where my teammates quadrupled or quintupled my damage, each. Where they try to offer words of encouragement to me, I understand that they can be humble about the skills they possess, wherein I do not. They know that after this win, where they've carried me, they'll go on to better matches and find challenges that are rewarding and worthwhile, against opponents who will test their mettle and make themselves better competitors after each match. I am the warmup, the burden, the one who must be slain because he fails to understand that his skills are not made for games like Apex. They're made for games like Mario Teaches Typing.
If you come across me in game, you can tell me to fling myself off a cliff in King's Canyon. I'll do it, because I know it'll be better for you. Despite my stubborn nature telling me that perhaps this time will be different, you know now that it won't. It'll make it easier for you to win if I don't compromise your position, or lend burden on your kindness in trying to help me.
I don't deserve it in Apex.
What I deserve is to lose.
