I solved the problem by getting my friend to move the bugged Sim back into her house. She says that she was able to move him out later. If you can get a friend or even a family member with a compatible device to take your Sim off your hands, that should help.
Don't worry about the family portrait! They stay there even if they move out to someone else's game!
And as for the other part, maybe you can... ah, convince someone to help. By borrowing their phone and getting through the tutorial, if you know what I mean. Of course, maybe there'll be another fix later, but if it starts to drive you nuts, you know what to do.